For fag’s sake!
This week I’m focussing on smoking cigarettes. They’ve always been a bit of a mystery to me so I thought I’d try and find some answers. Though smoking isn’t good for your health, does it’s coolness outweight it’s unhealthiness? Maybe. I’m arguing against the facts!… sort of
Don’t worry, I’m not trying to get you to quit. I don’t care. I’m at peace with your smoke. Just watch and read. Inhale my wordy goodness.
Smoking and Me
I don’t smoke. I have dabbled on many occasions but always as a drunken experiment. It’s like Sudoku or ‘Lost’, I just can’t get into it.
My mum smokes. My stepdad smokes. My dad USED to smoke before he quit using a Paul McKenna hyponsis tape. This meant listening to McKenna on an old cassette (the 90s) player twice a day for about a month. It worked!
I don’t mean to knock my parents but they’re hardly a cool role model for a potential smoker.
ANECDOTE WARNING: I’ll never forget the time I went to steal some biscuits from high on top the kitchen shelf. I climbed on the work surface, reached up, stretching my arms on top of the MDF cupboard. My hands touched a sticky grime. Dust? Cooking residue? No, in fact, the entire ceiling and kitchen units were covered in a thick film of around a decades worth of congealed smoke. It stank. See, my parents would smoke in the kitchen for hours. It created a fog. But after that… they had the kitchen completely re-painted.
My mum and stepdad had a hoard of cigarettes. I often used to wonder what that money could have been better spent on. A holiday abroad? Which we never had once. We went caravanning. Which was all right actually. Sky TV? Official brand food items; instead of weetabix we had “Wheat Bisks”. Clothes for me – that weren’t handmedowns; I occasionally got given my sisters old stuff!
Anyway, needless to say, I have useful memories which repel me from ever becoming a smoker. But on the flipside, it’s every person’s right and the benefits aren’t something I can really share too much on because I’m not a bona fide smoke monster. Besides:
“I don’t want to give up smoking… I enjoy it too much!” – Bill Hicks
That’s fair enough I suppose. Is it? I don’t know. But what about this kid? A 2 year old smoking. Shocking stuff:
What are the ACTUAL pros and cons?
PRO
Husky Voice – I can think of several ladies I know who have – frankly – well sexy voices. All thanks to smoking. No high pitch yapping. Just whispery, gentle, oh so smooth chat. Which is weird when you think about it… because you’re essentially hearing traumatised, damaged vocal chords. Is that sexy? It shouldn’t be.
It Looks Cool – It does though, doesn’t it? The inhalation, graceful pause, timing for the exhale, carefully directed. Neat technique, a skillfull flick to freshen the embers. Conversation is punctuated and eased. The best movie baddies smoke. Though, you don’t see them spray febreeze afterwards. They blatantly have to.
Sociable - Definitely. It’s an ice-breaker. You interested in someone? Ask them for a light and BAM – you’re in. Designated smoking areas are often cooler than the pubs they’re placed outside.
Helps the economy – Think about how ridiculous the tax is on cigarettes. 13,000,000 are smoked every year in the UK. That’s £10 billion which the government makes annually according to The TMA
Girls prefer men who smoke? – This is a theory I have that has little foundation. I just get the vibe it makes men look more.. manly. Girls think “ooh he smokes… I like that!”
CONS
Early Death – Every cigarette you smoke reduces your expected life span by 11 minutes, according to researchers at the University of Bristol. (To be fair, 10 a day for 10 years only loses you 9 months, which… is bad, but not terrible)
Expensive – To pick one out at random, Benson and Hedges is £6 for twenty. 10 million people smoke in the UK. The average is 5 a day. So, say you smoke 30 a week. That’s £9. Multiply by 52 that’s an average of £468 per year. You could buy a holiday, a laptop or like… I dunno, half a horse or something.
Smoker’s Cough – It’s well gross. I remember being woken up my stepdad, my stepbrother and sometimes my mum with their wretching and hocking in the morning. Ugh. They were in the bathroom by the way… they weren’t wretching literally right next to me. Just to clarify that..
General Health – Circulation, impotency, fertility, sense of taste and smell are dulled. Decreases general fitness and lung efficiency. Although, that said – Adrian Mutu smokes and is one of the fittest footballers in Serie A… well he WAS till he got sacked for doing cocaine.
It stinks - I only need to pass a smoker in the street and my clothes reek for bloody ages. I say ages, til I wash them… so yeah, ages.
Me and my hübsch mate Anna De Silva made this video which I think should be shown in schools. I’m sure you’ll be struck by it’s profound message:
You can see more of Sock Faces on my youtube page very soon. We did more. One about racist socks and one in German which makes absolutely no sense (because I don’t speak German very well).
I’m pretty in awe of people who do give up. Despite not having never been addicted myself, I’m aware it’s a big deal. We were all extremely pleased when my dad gave up. It was a watershed moment. In a way, I guess it was pretty inspirational dadmanship. I’ve just made up that word. Dadmanship. You know what I mean.
Quitting timetable
| After… | Health Benefit… |
| 72 hours | Breathing becomes easier. Bronchial tubes begin to relax and energy levels increase |
| 1 month | Skin appearance improves owing to improved skin perfusion |
| 3–9 months | Cough, wheezing, and breathing problems improve and lung function increases by up to 10% |
| 1 year | Risk of a heart attack falls to about half that of a smoker |
| 10 years | Risk of lung cancer falls to about half that of a smoker |
| 15 years | Risk of heart attack falls to the same level as someone who has never smoked |
I certainly don’t – and won’t – be hounding people to give up, though I won’t be starting any time soon either. Part of me is envious of the little chats you smokers have outside. They look very interesting. You’re probably just talking about the difference between eggshell and magnolia coloured paint aren’t you? Or X-Factor? I don’t watch X-Factor, so there. I basically think smoking is bad but all right. Fin.
Two things:
1. On the vote bit it says: “Bob – smoking is slighty cool”. My opinion is that smoking is not cool becuase all the kids at school who smoked were cool until I realised they were mostly nobs who very quickly got pregnant or sent to jail.
But I was torn becuase I wanted to vote a Bob win out of loyalty to the Bob cause. Make my decision easier, bozo.
2. Eggshell and magnolia paint. Eggshell is the type of finish (not very shiny) and magnolia is a colour (based on the flower).
This is forgivable normally, but you’ve spent probably a month of your life working as a decorator and add to that your brother (me) has written a detailed and thrilling report on the types of paint available on the market, see http://www.fletcherdecor.com for details..
Ergo; unforgivable.
I’ve just noticed, that’s my sock you are using Bob! The Red one, can I have it back please?