How didn’t I not win?
I voted Lib Dem because I didn’t like Cameron, now my alleigance is rewarded with… David Cameron. That’s like a kid going to their headteacher to complain about a bully… only to see them both the next day necking in the playground together. Going at it. Non-stop. For five years.
So I thought I’d take on the PM aka the Cleggatron in the best way I could; not politically, intellectually or as a leader but by with some pointless rambling and a video I made…
Since few remember the last time a coalition government was in power you probably won’t realise what’s going to happen. Apart from compromised policies, diluted leadership and inward feuds it’s standard practice for the two party leaders to converge phsyically. Yes I mean the actual amalgmation of the DNA of both Nick Clegg and David Cameron. Have you seen that film ‘The Fly’? You remember the teleport machine which melds Jeff Goldblum with the… well, fly…? That. That’s going to happen, FOR REAL. This new leader will hence forth be known as the Cleggatron. This is how he may look:
- 8ft tall
- Bi-polar
- Breath fire
- White
- Biro’s that burst from their knuckles (think Wolverine)
- Green tie – (blue and yellow mix see?)
- Two wives – to clean up the unspeakable mess this beast produces
- Billions of ‘i was in ____ the other day…‘ and ‘i met a man in ____recently…‘ anecdotes
- Very fresh breath
- Massive face, short legs
- A little bit but not too evil
To make it easier to imagine:
I think age is catching up with me; I’m actually finding politics and the news interesting. I saw 2 of the televised debates, read broadsheets, twitter and watched BBC News daily for the last month. Some people slag off those who obsessively view ‘Big Brother’ or ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ but I was just as bad. I guess you could say the outcome is more meaningful, but the whittling process is just as freak-show-fairground… only less topless girls. Boobies. Wahay!
“1. Removal of women’s rights, they’re stupid and rubbish. 2. A ban on old people, when you get to 50 you’re thrown into a deep well. 3. I take immigration seriously, that’s why I’m having a 200 foot wall built around the entire length and breadth of Britain. Everyone who’s not white and posh are thrown into the sea. Don’t worry, it sounds crazy but I’ve seen the plans, it looks shitting wicked!” – David Cameron reveals his top three secret policies
I watched Brown’s goodbye speech, it was quite sad, he seemed genuine for the first time in his career. Cameron’s speech? It was pretty impressive. Almost too impressive, no? WELL I found the original online. Big news! His speech was redubbed! THIS is what he – and some news journalist who sounds like me but isn’t – REALLY said. Get ready to be amazed:
I went through an especially bizarre 48 hours between watching the Election results and the uncertainty over who will take control. I turned pro-Labour. I know! Trust me to back to the losing horse. But why?! Well, I caught a bit of David Miliband talking to Jeremy Paxman. He was super cool. Obama-cool but with more brains. Paxman was interviewing him and some other guy (conservative spokes-person who was a bag of arse) and after the tory guy question-dodged for 3 minutes he went to Miliband. Miliband said something like “Sorry Jeremy, I could barely hear you…“
At this point, you’re expecting him to waste time and eventually skirt around what ever is eventually asked. But no! He interjects as Paxo is about to rephrase and says something like:
“But it SOUNDS like what you said was…” and goes onto to nearly guess what Paxo said, then give a great straight-up answer. It was amazing. Mainly because politicans avoid answering anything. If you asked Gordon Brown if he had a mum he said “the issue isn’t whether I have a mum, it’s whether the effects of globalisation on the economy carry a substantial threat to mums in the UK“.
I seem to remember Miliband said something controversial too, probably frowned upon by Labour mates. Even Paxo was impressed! He questioned him a bit more, each time Miliband struggling to hear him but eventually giving superb responses. “Well” I thought. “This is my man”.
“I understand those of you who voted Liberal Democrats may be upset, angry even. I feel your uncertainty, your pain. But to those people, I have three words… ‘ha’, ‘ha’ and ‘ha’ “- David Cameron
The next day I saw a youtube clip of Alastair Campbell on Sky News where the former Labour Strategist found himself on the receiving end of some breath-takingly bias journalists. Watch it! The guy in the middle isn’t a politican, he’s Mark Boulton, Sky News reporter. It seems the two have some sort of long standing feud. Boulton totally loses his nerve and flies off the handle whilst Campbell is calmer than the fonzie. Incredible really. So, Miliband and Campbell. Two of my favourites. I don’t have any favourite conservatives. Why is that? I didn’t even like Nick Clegg, he was just… neither of the other two. I would have voted for Big Bird if he’d have ran. Then again, his feathers might have been an issue. Do birds malt? Like dogs and cats? Do they? Would Big Bird malt at the wrong moment? I don’t know. But it’s important to consider these things.
Anyway. I’ll give Cameron the benefit of the doubt. He certainly seems keen to make thing’s better and has always been convincing speaking, especially here when he mullered Brown in the House of Commons. The dire state of Britain needed a big change and this Cleggatron creature should/could/might be the ticket!
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What do you think? Are you happy with the Cameron/Clegg beast? Or do you think we should have a new election? After the World Cup, obviously. HAVE YOUR SAY! VOTE NOW!
Have Sky offered up a position in their political bureau (they’ve got one of those right?) after watching that video?