Did God get it right?
I’ve been thinking a bit about these ten commandments or – The Decalogue as it’s known in Christianity – just recently. I’m not sure they’re that good. I’m not having a go or anything, but… actually, yes I am. They need updating. Whether you’re Christian, Jewish, Muslim or that other one which could be either agnostic or atheist (I forget), it doesn’t matter, for many a millenia the ten commandments have been considered a reliable guide to the dos and don’ts of being alive. Do you think they’re still relevant? Or could I do a better job?
Firstly, I don’t like the idea that it was ONE person’s job to take minutes. Who proof read it? Was it spell-checked? More importantly, how can we be sure he took thing’s down verbatim? The other day I was speaking to a temp agency lining up my next job. They told me the address, then double checked to make sure I’d heard it. I confidently assured them I got it all down. In fact, I’d written “near Covent Garden-ish” on a post-it note. My point is, if I do it, surely there’s a CHANCE Moses did?
What if – i’m just saying WHAT IF! …this Moses just cherry picked or editted whichever ones HE thought sounded good?:
GOD: Next! Don’t steal things… unless of course, it’s like I dunno… medicine for a sick person
MOSES: hmmm, I’ll just put ‘don’t steal’
GOD: No! You have to be clear
MOSES: Yeah, but it’ll take up loads of room, I only brought two small tablets up and this massive chisel. Look it at it. It’s enornmous!
GOD: Yeah wow, that is pretty big.Where did you get it?
MOSES: Barry made it.
GOD: Barry?
MOSES: You know, Barry? Small head, got that lisp.
GOD: Oh that Barry. Ok Ok, just write it down later, don’t forget!
MOSES: Yeah yeah!
GOD: Don’t yeah yeah me Moses, I’m serious, I don’t want to be remembered as the God who gave woolly indistinct guidance
By the way, check out the story of Moses and his whole kitten-kaboodle if you’re not sure how it goes. I think it’s the Jewish version but I’m confident they’re all similar, probably.
What ARE the Ten Commandments?
Ok, I could spend about 8 pages going on about this so I’ll have to be a tad laconic. I’ve already wasted a perfectly good sentence writing this one right now that you’re reading. And this. This one as well.
There’s oodles of debate between the denominations of Christianity not to mention Judaism and Islam about the precise ten. I’ve basically got the Christian list, but there really is remarkably little difference. By the way, as this startling Ten Commandments FAQ written by some fear mongering god-lover mentions, if you sin (ie, break one of the commandments) you will be “lost forever“. Bit harsh.
Wouldn’t that mean murdering someone and stealing a loaf of bread would result in the same punishment? What if it was one of those tasty Tiger loaves? Surely that’s worth it? Or what if you killed someone WITH some stolen bread? Are you off the hook? Like a double negative.
Before I reveal them, think about this:
- Only 14% of Americans can accurately name all Ten Commandments
- Only 68 of 200 Anglican priests polled could name all Ten Commandments, but half said they believed in space aliens
How many commandments can you think of?
I can think of about five. Something about idols and coveting. I can name all the James Bond films though! Surely that’s more impressive?
The late great George Carlin provides some hilarious thoughts in this chortlesome exegesis of The Ten Commandments:
Okay, so:
1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
Nah. Celebrities are treated like gods, which though at first seems weird and wrong is comprehendable ONCE you consider we’re not able to see or even touch God. I could just about touch David Beckham if I REALLY wanted, ditto Angelina Jolie. I could slap Jordan with a fish if I so wished. I couldn’t even throw a rock at God. Also, ‘no other gods’ is not on because people should be able to worship whichever gods they fancy. Be it a blue elephant, a beardy man in the sky or a 15 armed Cat named Clive.
2. You shall not make yourself an idol.
What, like American Idol? Everyone wears those crosses, even if they’re not into Jesus. They can look trendy when subtle and draw attention to a ladies magumbos.
3. You shall not use the name of the Lord in vain.
I’m ALWAYS saying “Christ”. The main reason being because I don’t often swear. If I couldn’t say “God’s sake” I’d be effing and shh-ing all over the shop. No, No, No!
4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
Religions differ on when this takes place. Judaism says it’s Friday evening to Saturday night. Islam says it’s a ‘rest day’ on Saturday and Christianity says it’s Saturday but emphasise to worship Sunday. If it’s ‘rest day’ then I’m all for that. I don’t like the idea of being ushered into prayer – what if you’re knackered? No thanks, Goddy.
5. Honor your father and mother.
Yeah, this is fair enough. Although my dad drinks more than he should and my mum sometimes burns roast potatoes. They’re both pretty good people. No, sure I’ll go with this; If only for carrying me around in their respective organs for a good deal of time. But what if your dad was Joseph Fritzl or your mum was the Wicked Witch of the West? That’s no good.
6. You shall not commit murder.
What if I killed a bear who was ABOUT to kill me? Is that murder? No because it wasn’t pre-meditated. What if my plane crashed and I killed and ate someone (possibly nearly dead already) to survive? Plus, they were a really nasty person. Is that okay? See! You don’t know. GREY AREA. Fundamentally though, I’m not FOR murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
I was talking about this with my housemate earlier. What does this mean? First base? Second base? He reckons it only refers to fourth base – ie, proper ‘having it off’ territory. I’d go with that, it’s a bit naughty isn’t it? But then, if you believe every expert – as referred to in this insightful relationship blog – everyone’s cheating. Again, this needs a re-think.
8. You shall not steal.
Yes. But this needs a clause. What about stealing for a worthy cause? Also, I stole an apple about a month ago. I felt really bad about it, but it tasted amazing.
9. You shall not lie
Yeah, lying is really bad. No, I’m being serious! It just causes problems further down the line. I’m a big fan of honesty although the occasion white lie is acceptable. White lie… hmm, is that racist? Let’s call it “beige lie”.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s property.
Ok. I don’t totally get this. It’s jealousy right? Yeah I kinda agree because it’s not healthy psychologically but it’s human nature to envy other people’s things. That’s how we achieve and better ourselves no? I don’t think this is big enough to be on the list, sorry God mate.
Bob’s Ten Commandments
Certainly there’s lots of people with their own views out there for a more modern list such as Jeff’s Ten Commandments who puts ‘tip waiters’ at number 6. Blogger Helen makes a more specific Ten Commandments to a Happy Marriage whose number 8 is ‘Don’t Forget Anniversaries’. If you’re REALLY interested, here you can find a list of blogger’s takes on The Ten Commandments.
As for me you ask? What are mine. Here they are, what do you think?
The big problem of course is that The Ten Commandments, like the United States Constitution can not really be altered because any changes will render the whole thing useless. It’s the passage of time that makes it’s principles amplified and omnipotent. So, no one can really change them, but as time goes on – and we all get wiser and the line between saint and sinner becomes more blurred we’re bound to commit the odd boob. Essentially, it’s the punishment of sinning that causes such fear of exploration for believers and such apathy for those who aren’t. I reckon; don’t kill, rape or rob and try to be a thoughtful, considerate and kind person – that’s enough. And if you fail do to those things – then yes, hell it is. I should have been god, I wouldn’t have bothered with custard creams, Wales or Eczema though.
What do YOU think? Are the Ten Commandments a bit rubbish? Are Bob’s better or rather, a bit better? What’s YOUR top commandment? Have your say and VOTE BELOW!
You really know naff all about religion, don’t you? However, I called it a draw because I like ‘Ladies Magumbos’.
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Great post! They are definitely outdated and not very useful. Would be nice to have some new universal laws but it just doesn’t work without the threat of a powerful deity to back them.I used the same moses picture on a post I just wrote at holyblasphemy.net, giving my own updated 10 commandments.