Want to know how to catch a mouse?
Never sure whether to use a trap, poision or just the traditional cricket bat method? Well, whatever you choose, it’s not easy. In fact, it’s a real challenge. This is quite an unusual high stakes ‘Bob Versus…’ since the loser’s punishment is death… unless I lose, in which case it isn’t.
My housemate Jodie first noticed the mice. She’d left chocolate out in her room – which is shockingly untidy for a girl, it’s like Basrah in there – and she spotted the unmistakable nibble marks on the bar. To be honest, I wasn’t that bothered. I thought “well, you shouldn’t be such a messy git”. She left the bar out twice more due to astonishing laziness, both times the mouse came back. It wasn’t till I heard a squeak late one night in my own – slightly less warzone-esque room – that I took the whole thing seriously.
The strange thing about mice is that they shouldn’t actually be scary but are. When one crept along the floor in my bedroom I was suddenly overcome with dread, as if a tarantula or Noel Edmonds had just walked in.
What is the best way to catch a mouse?
I had some experience of using traps but wanted to find out more. You can learn about catching mice online, such as this helpful but slightly sermonising guide or this neat and simple break down here which outlines the most common methods:
- Wooden traps – the classic cheap, emphatic smackdown clip
- Plastic traps – Same but £4 more
- Poision – They eat it then crawl off and die somewhere and stink
- Glue trap – They’re supposed to crawl through a little box and get stuck on the adhesive floor but it doesn’t work. You just see some fluff where they obviously wriggled free, now with a bald arse
There’s also some crafty ideas people make up, like this smart one, where some guy devised a ‘walk-the-plank’ trick into his bin. Problem is, it means that every time you go to use the bin, you’ll have something living in it until it’s emptied. That’s not good is it? Sure, Oscar the Grouch lives in a bin and he’s all right. Well, I say that, he’s basically a mentally unstable jibbering tramp who you’d think the local council would really have sorted out by now.
I got hold of some wooden traps – because they’re only a quid each – and attached some galaxy chocolate. Peanut butter works really well but we don’t have any, and there’s no way I’m buying it just to catch some sodding rodents. I lay traps around the house regularly checking them, excitedly, expectantly… but with no success. Then, in the middle of the night, I was woken by a SNAP…
You know what? Nuts to all those “experts” online and those over-priced elaborate devices they flog you in the shops. This require some good old fashioned thinking. Plus, I’d gone off the idea of actually killing something living, I’d try the humane way. So, here’s what i came up with:
I had a terrible nights sleep. Listening out for nibbling sounds, eeking, plus it’s stupidly cold at the moment, so in my freezing room there’s just me… and this mouse. The next day I awoke as if it were Christmas morning, a present at the end of my bed. The trap had been tripped!
How annoying. I gave it the chance at an easy escape. Alive. Over the past week (or more, we don’t really know) this mouse has been scoffing chocolate off our useless traps and living the high life. Galaxy isn’t cheap! Humiliated and depressed I opened the door…
So basically, there it is. Turns out the old traps DO work. You just have to set them right, which I didn’t. I feel a bit bad, I’m sort of responsible for a death, I’m a murderer. Ok, mice are a nuisance and carry diseases (probably?) but do they deserve to be killed? How embarassing for the mouse too. To foolishly allow itself to be lured towards a treat. It’s last act was being lampooned. Lampooned into death. How crap is that?
Feeling bad, I spoke to housemate Jodie about possibly arranging some sort of burial in the front garden. She wasn’t keen on something so respectful. Instead she suggested either binning the thing or putting it in a bag and throwing it on the train tracks. After careful consideration, I binned it.
So, did I win? I mean, the mouse is technically dead but it completely bossed us and took up time AND chocolate in catching it. But the again I think I was pretty dedicated and showed some creative thinking. Still, could there be MORE mice hiding? Oh god. Maybe I should put the mouse’s head on a spike (cocktail stick) Henry VIII style as a warning any other brave pests eager to try their luck. Think again mice, think again.